Girlfriend Code: When she don’t want your advice but wants your sympathy

I’m very confused by this concept and I’m not sure why this is a thing. When I signed on the dotted line to be your friend, I totally didn’t expect you to slip an emotional abuse clause into it in the millisecond prior to the print of my John Hancock. Yes, I consider it emotional abuse for you to bombard me with the taxing details of your personal life and then fall into a frenzy when I have an opinion on it. But it doesn’t stop there, you have those who will boldly come back to you about the same situation when it falls apart and they require assistance picking up the pieces.

This is just not what friendship looks like to me.

People who don’t care about you have no reason to be concerned about your life, nor to comment on it. Requesting of me to sit back and watch you booboo the fool out here whilst you bind me in a gag order, you are basically asking me to detach myself from caring about you. I cannot do a halfway investment in a friendship. Eventually, I’m going to start looking at you differently if I must block how I feel about what you’re dealing with from my commentary. It’s just no longer authentic.

Another side of this is me hearing that I’m too blunt. Cool. There’s a way to do it all. But, there’s a tedious process involved in sugar coating the truth that I won’t participate in. BUT, regardless of all that, me being “too blunt” is not a good enough reason to reject truth or perspective. What you want then is a loving, caring parent or a shrink. And take it from someone who’s had one, shrinks aren’t always the sweetest in every session. And that truth still stings when they say it “nicely”.

I’ve always been told that I’m a good listener. And I appreciate that. But being a good listener cannot turn into me becoming your emotional garbage can. You dump your problems off into my mental and walk away feeling better having gotten it off your chest and I’m supposed to make myself available for the deed again whenever you’re ready. I remember a situation when I refrained from offering my two cents to a friend who was super resistant to “being judged” by me. So later shit hits the fan and in a moment of what I thought was honesty I’m like yea, I had a feeling this would pan out this way, but I figured it was best to let you see it yourself. Homegirl was super unhappy I didn’t speak. And I was dumbfounded.

It just gets harder and harder to give you that sympathy when we’re literally talking about the same dude who’s been dogging you out week after week ever since freshman year of college. And then when you for real seek my advice you do what you want anyway only to come back next week to tell me your way ain’t work. I personally don’t choose to go through the hamster wheel of insanity with you. At some point, I stop feeling like a friend and start feeling like you’re clearly enjoying torturing me.


Am I being too harsh?




24 thoughts on “Girlfriend Code: When she don’t want your advice but wants your sympathy

  1. I too have a very specific definition of friendship. I have a hard time understanding how people will question whether someone is a true friend simply because they question and challenge them and/or their bullshit. I don’t understand how the same people can say someone wasn’t a real friend because they did not support them 100% in their BS, and then also turn around and say that someone wasn’t a true friend because they let them get caught up in BS and didn’t say anything… pick a lane. Both cannot be expected in the same person. A true friend won’t knowingly steer you down the wrong path… a true friend isn’t someone who is willing to go down the rabbit hole with you, when they know that something awful is on the other side. A true friend is going to offer their opinion, whether you want to hear it or not, because their job as your friend is to have your back… even when you don’t have it. And having your back doesn’t always equate to cosigning all your bright ideas and crazy. Now, as for matters of the heart… I have learned that people will not make changes until they’re ready.. hell, I know I work that way. Change is very hard, and it’s even harder when your heart is involved and you want that emotionally corrective experience from a dude who will NEVER get it right. And because I realize that people won’t make a change until they’re ready, I don’t reserve my feelings, but I do tailor it over time. No one likes to “hear I told you so”, and over time, they will avoid speaking to you about certain issues if that’s what they anticipate hearing. Now, if I really don’t want to hear anymore about the trashbox a friend is dealing with, I’ll say so… but if I still want to be there for them, I change my approach. Because while it’s not falling on deaf ears, it isn’t quite falling on fully attuned ears either.. so over time, I shift to a conversation about preparing for the end– for when I will be helping them to pick up the pieces. Because if you start to pull back on offering your opinion, you can see the evolution of a friend who is getting tired of the douchebag, themselves, their self-deception and pain. So my offering evolves over time, as they evolve with the situation… and my need to tell them about themselves become more and more futile, while my need to encourage them to stop doing this to themselves (all the while calling so and so a piece of shit for xyz reasons) becomes more of a useful approach. LOL. I don’t think your harsh. You’re just real.

    • Always with the wise words! And yes, I’ve definitely been learning how to shape my approach to commenting on people’s lives. The friends that I take care to do this with though have gone through “blunt” me stages already. But they’ve also been able to recognize that I never meant them any harm. Intentions as pure as a dove I promiseeee

  2. You’re not harsh at all!! Real friendships require real feelings and real investment. If a “friend” doesn’t want you to be real then the just want a journal, buy them one.

  3. GIRL IF THIS AINT ME!!!!!!!
    I am EXACTLY the same. Problem is your ‘friends’ don’t mind you being blunt most of the time, but when it comes to certain topics *cough relationships cough* then all of a sudden you’re a bad person. I lost a long term friendship over something as stupid and petty as this. You’re role as a friend is not to be a listener, anyone that can’t understand that is not mature enough to engage in the friendship. With that being said, it’s important to know your friends and know what they are tolerant of; some people are stubborn (myself included) and sometimes you do have to succumb to being the listener that just waits to pick up the pieces when everything goes sour. I’ve learnt that being adaptable is important, even in some long term relationships.

    • LOL GIRL. It’s alwaysss over relationships. I mean, clearly there’s nothing else to be sensitive about. And I guess this is why it irks me the most. Like LAWD don’t talk about nobody significant other. But then you’re expected to sit at a table with this fool and kee kee. I’m the one who’s like hell na, I’ll catch you at the next link up then. Cuz I refuse

  4. I have learned when to cut it and I set my limitations. I train my friends who are serial emotional abusers. I don’t answer my phone or texts, especially on a week night pass 11. When it comes to man drama you must know that when two heads go on a pillow things change so I don’t to invested or involved. Dats your man hunty!

    • OMG to “train”. I was saying that I’ve been doing this and I thought it was be being an asshole again. But literally this is what you have to do. Let’s be real. In a world of “text preview” on phones, you must know something is fishy when every time you text me about ole boy I don’t respond until the next day LOL. And you’re right! When you’re not the one warming the other side of the bed, your opinion becomes less valued.

  5. I have learned when to cut it and I set my limitations. I train my friends who are serial emotional abusers. I don’t answer my phone or texts, especially on a week night pass 11. When it comes to man drama you must know that when two heads go on a pillow things change so I don’t to invested or involved. Dats your man hunty!

  6. One of my closest friends is my most honest friend. She’ll tell me about myself quick fast and I’m a hurry. She even told me I was being defensive too. And she was right. Don’t change who you are to make other people comfortable. Keep helping people and let them learn.

  7. I have people in my life who are like that but they are not on the friend level. They are associates and I always have to ask if they want feedback or just someone who will listen and say nothing. Because I have to ask them this, is why they are not friends of mine, just people I am cool with.

    • I totally understand that strategy. And I feel the same way. If I have to put out a contract with terms and conditions before we have a conversation about either one of our lives, clearly, we are NOT friends.

  8. No, you are not harsh at all!! You are the definition of a friend. I will be honest and say I don’t always WANT the truth from my friends, but I also don’t want my friend to sit back and watch me make a fool of myself. An “amen” corner gets you no where!!

  9. I don’t think you’re being harsh at all. Myself and several of my friends have found ourselves in this place. Someone knows we are a good listener and like you said, we become the garbage can only to be turned away when we seek to give our opinion or a piece of well meaning advice. Because I’m learning to protect my mental health, I’ve made a point at times to tell people I don’t have the emotional capacity to hear their “issues” today though I still love them. May have to set boundaries with these types of “friends”

  10. Oh yes gal, preach to them. Couldn’t have said it better. I feel that way with some friends. Not that I don’t want to be with them in the valley season but I feel that it puts a burden on me and I feel obligated to fix their problem.

  11. Not to harsh, I believe you should always be able to tell the truth to a friend. I don’t really care whether they take the advice or not. I just want them to know I will always give my honest opinion.

  12. I once had a girlfriend tell me this about my best friend acting like boo boo the fool over her cheating husband “You can’t love her more than she loves herself. You can’t want better for her than she wants for herself. It will stress you the hell out.” It did.

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